I got up and headed downstairs. The house seemed almost too quiet. There, on the carpet, was the mess. The blood and glop was back, as well as the smell. I glanced around for Lucy’s spirit. It was nowhere to be found. I got that odd feeling spread through the nerves in my body, like I’d bitten down on a piece of foil while having an aluminum filling.

  Not cool.

  I spun around and there was the meat suit, standing there looking at me with those empty eye sockets. The eye sockets dripped with blood. It reached toward me and I screamed. I closed my eyes and screamed some more. I felt its hands on me. Shaking me. I wanted the fucking thing off me. I lashed out, but it seemed like I wasn’t hitting anything. Still I felt the touch of it.

  “Please, stop.” I kicked and screamed.

  Something slapped me across the face.

  “Goddamnit, Jimmy. Wake the fuck up!”

  My eyes popped open again. Doc and Lucy stood in the doorway to the bedroom. Tabby was on her knees in the bed, waiting to give me another shot if I needed it. Fuck.

  “Jesus Christ.” I sat up. I was going to have to do something about these dreams if they continued. This was starting to verge on night terrors. Maybe stuff was affecting me after all, but I didn’t show it all that well when I was awake.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Tabby asked.

  I scanned the room. Nothing was weird. Everything was fine. I shrugged. “Bad dream.”

  “He came to see you, didn’t he?” Lucy asked.

  I blinked. The way she could sometimes sense things caught me off guard. I glanced over at her and nodded.

  “Who?” Tabby asked.

  “Big Red,” I said. “Told me not to let anyone else have the rod. Also, said something about not believing the stuff Doc found out about it.” I scratched my arm and thought about it all some more. Maybe, Big Red wanted Tabby to have it because he planned to use her for something. The question was what.

  Doc glared. Then huffed.

  “I know. Believe me.”

  “Just remember you can’t trust the Devil,” he said.

  “Well, it’s not like you tell us where you go on these information expeditions Jimmy sends you out on,” Tabby said.

  Doc snorted. “I go to the places that make the most sense. Come on, Lucy. Let’s go where we’re wanted.”

  He winked at me, then led Lucy out of the room.

  I chuckled. “Yeah. Though sometimes I wonder if what Doc goes after is as reliable as I’ve been thinking it is. I rely on him too much.”

  Tabby sighed. “It isn’t like you have any other choice. Not really. Besides, has he led us wrong yet?”

  I scratched my eyes with the back of my hand. She, as usual, was right. “No. It could be more like the Devil has more information—which is entirely possible.”

  “Exactly.”

  “And apparently, we are to keep the damn thing out of the wrong hands.” I watched for her reaction. Her eyes went from wide to narrow.

  “How are you supposed to know whose are the right hands?” Tabby asked.

  That was a damn good question and one for which I had no answer.

  Chapter Four

  BLACK HOLE SUN

  NONE OF US got much sleep. Doc, Lucy, and Tabby all settled in with me in the bedroom. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the library of Blackmoor, but this time, it was not the house that was haunted, it was me. I was going to have to figure out how to fix it, but for now, I had other problems.

  About seven thirty, when the sun rose, we all headed downstairs. The light from the living room window was highlighting the part of the floor. The carpet was stained, but the chemicals had done their job pretty well. No smell. Thank God. At least my dream hadn’t come to life.

  “We can try the OxiClean today,” I said. It couldn’t hurt. Maybe it would do something.

  “What?” Tabby asked from behind me.

  “On the floor.” I pointed.

  “Oh. Yeah. Sure.” She stepped around me and wandered into the kitchen. She had pulled her hair up in a loose bun today. I preferred it flowing down her back.

  “She needs her coffee real bad this morning,” Lucy said.

  I looked at her and laughed, then sat on a chair at the dining room table. I patted the chair next to me. Lucy climbed up. The poor kid was still wearing the white nightgown I’d always seen her in. Well, prior to the fleshing. When that had happened, we had gotten her some clothes, but her spirit seemed stuck in the clothing she had been in when she ended up in this state. It was sad. I doubted she could change it. Doc hadn’t.

  “How are you doing, kiddo?” I asked her.

  She shrugged. “At least it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

  “That’s good.” I wanted to give her more, but there was nothing. Just about the only thing I could do was make her feel loved and I was trying to do that.

  “Here,” Tabby said, handing a steaming mug toward me.

  What did I do to deserve her? Damn. I took it. The caffeine would do me some good.

  “Sit down,” I told her. “We’ve all had a rough night.”

  I didn’t have to tell her twice. She plopped in the chair opposite me. She looked exactly like I felt—completely exhausted and tired of all the bullshit. Her hair was flying around her head after having escaped her bun.

  “Damn, Jimmy,” she said.

  “What?” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to say the same thing, but her meaning behind it could be completely different, and I could come out of this looking like a total jackass again.

  “If you have any more dreams like that, I swear.”

  I snorted. Well, sort of what I was thinking, but not exactly. I’d been right not to assume. “What are you going to do?”

  “Probably beat you with my broom.”

  I laughed. “Just don’t pee on my head and use it as a coconut.”

  “What?” Doc asked. His eyebrows were raised up so high on his head I thought they might pop off.

  Tabby turned to him. “Old Voudou saying. To get evil spirits out of your home, you take a fine coconut, place it on the floor. Then, open the doorway to your house. You squat and pee all over the coconut. After that, in the most forceful voice you can muster, you scream, ‘Get the fuck out of my house!’ And you kick the coconut out into the street.”

  Doc scratched his hand through his hair. His hat he held in his other hand. Rarely did he even set it down. I wondered if it had some power of its own, but so far, I hadn’t seen anything out of the ordinary pertaining to it. It was probably because, long ago, men wore hats all the time and you never wanted to lose yours since they cost money. It would be like me leaving behind something that made me, well, me. Maybe the hat was the 1800’s version of the cell phone. He could never leave it alone or put it down.

  Lucy laughed. I mean really laughed. If she had a body, her belly would hurt.

  “That’s one of the weirdest things I’ve ever heard and I’ve been around a while,” Doc said.

  Tabby chuckled. “I never tried it myself, but it is unique.”

  Isaac hopped up on the table and head-butted me. Hard.

  “Ow.” I glared at Tabby. “You feed him yet?”

  Tabby laughed. “No, I forgot.”

  That figured. Ack. I glanced back at that cat. “Okay, Mr. Man. Come on.”

  #

  After breakfast, I attacked the carpet again.

  “I’m sorry,” Lucy said.

  I glanced up. Poor kid seemed like she was going to cry. It was a fucking carpet. If she didn’t get over it soon, I was going to go crazy. Even if I had been poor, the worst that would happen would be that I would tear the damn thing up and live with the subfloor until I could afford to replace it. “Don’t worry about it. It was an old carpet anyway. When stuff calms down, we’ll get a new one.”

  “Okay,” she said, still looking sad.

  “Here, come help me,” I said. She needed a distraction and fast. Good thing I was good at coming up with stupid shit.

  “Do what?” she asked.

  I motioned for her to follow me. I walked into the kitchen and dumped the OxiClean out of the squirt bottle into the sink. Then I rinsed it out really good. After that was done, I peered down at Lucy. “Want to have some fun?”

  She nodded her head slowly. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates.

  This was going to be a blast.

  I filled the bottle with water. Then I crouched down. “Okay. I’m going to hide right behind the edge of the doorway here.” I pointed to the doorway of the kitchen. “Now, what I need you to do is to go get Tabby and tell her that you really need to show her something. Then lead her down here.”

  Lucy giggled and jumped up and down.

  I loved hearing her laugh. “Okay. Ready?”

  She nodded, almost quivering in anticipation. I couldn’t stop myself from grinning. “Go!”

  She disappeared in a pop. Was Tabby going to be pissed? Probably. But it was worth it to cheer up Lucy. Besides, it wasn’t like this was going to hurt anyone. And the worst that could happen would be for Tabby to beat my ass. I could handle that. In fact, that might be kind of fun too—in a twisted kind of way.

  Soon, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I waited until I saw her arm, and when I was about to strike, the doorbell rang. I shoved the bottle on the table and stepped out of the kitchen as Tabby opened the door. Plan foiled yet again.

  “Yes?” she asked when she opened the door.

  The postman handed her a thick envelope and walked away. Damn, I was starting to think there was something sinister about getting mail. Especially after getting the flask from Arizona that led me to Vespa and his fake possession.

  I looked over her shoulder. “What’s that?”

  I watched her analyze the address.

  “It’s for you,” she said, handing the envelope to me.

  It was from the Vatican. If that wasn’t enough to make my asshole grow tight, I didn’t think anything would. Images of being carted away in an old black sedan filled my head. It was all nonsense, but my brain went there.

  I flipped the envelope around in my hands. I knew what it was. I let the breath I’d been holding out. “These are my acceptance papers.”

  I walked over to the dining room table and opened the envelope. There was a letter and some sort of guide. I chose to read the letter first.

  Mr. Holiday,

  We are pleased to invite you to our school of Exorcism. Your class will start on 1 May, 2015. An interpreter will be provided for you.

  Enclosed you will find the booklet. Please pay careful attention to the rules.

  Fr. Luca Rossi.

  “I start May first,” I said. That gave me a little time to prepare. For that, I was thankful.

  Lucy crawled up beside me in a chair. “Can I come?”

  I glanced over at her and smiled. “I don’t know how I’d leave you behind.”

  It was true. She was tied to me. It was one thing to leave her at the house while I went to the store. Another thing entirely for me to be a whole continent away.

  “What was it you wanted to show me, Lucy?” Tabby asked.

  “Never mind,” she said in a sing-song voice.

  #

  Later that evening, after dinner, I sat at the dining room table looking over the class stuff. Most of it was the regular church info. The rules were something else. I was almost reminded of that movie with Brad Pitt and Ed Norton. “First rule: never talk about fight club.”

  I’ll admit it, there was a big part of me that wanted to waltz in there like John Bender from The Breakfast Club, smoking a cigarette and wearing old ripped-up doo rags on my boots. But I couldn’t. It would be an insult to God. Granted, the church did a lot of shit that wasn’t cool, but it wouldn’t do any good for me to do something that was an honest affront. I was better than that. Plus, there were plenty of places where I could get my Bender on. Heh.

  I refocused on the class. One thing: I had to dig into my old work clothes. Because I was no longer a priest, I didn’t have to wear the uniform, but I was expected to present myself in a certain way. I guessed khakis and a nice shirt were good enough for the Lord. The most important thing I knew was that I was going to have to keep my mouth shut. It wasn’t going to be easy. A lot of the stuff I’d learned since starting all of this was probably not with the program. And having an exorcism ritual written by a witch was definitely not on the Vatican’s list of crap to do. But maybe, if I was lucky, they could teach me something. If I could be a good boy, that was. That part was questionable.

  I could almost head the bass line of “Inna Gadda Da Vida” in my head. My ability to be humble to an authority figure kind of went out the window when I was kicked out of the church. Being surrounded by muckety-mucks all day was a recipe for disaster. I needed to keep it all tamped down though. Especially since this trip wasn’t cheap and the Order was trying to help me for once.

  I wasn’t even a church employee at all anymore, so their politics meant nothing to me. I simply needed to be respectful. Just as long as no one was an asshole, stuff would be fine. I hoped the Order knew what they were doing. Of course, with the way crap had been, so far they’d let me fly by the seat of my pants. That could be the biggest mistake of their lives.

  “What are you thinking?” Tabby asked me.

  “That this is going to be an epic fail.” I knew I was eventually going to fuck this up. The only question was how bad. Maybe I could hope that my “issues” would not present themselves until I was back from Italy.

  “How do you know that?” she asked.

  I sighed. “Because I won’t be able to stop myself from speaking. I don’t have the patience anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

  She patted me on the arm. “Just keep in mind that it isn’t these people who chose for you to be a marker.”

  She had a very good point. God had given me the ability to mark the souls of the possessed before they died during the course of an exorcism. The only one who had the ability to take any of that power away was God. Screw all the rest. If I could deal with demons, I could manage to keep my mouth shut long enough to make it through the class. The insides of my cheeks were going to be bloody, but so be it.

  “So I’ve got to be on my best behavior,” I said. “What are you going to do?”

  Tabby leaned back in her chair. “How long is this class again?”

  “Six weeks.”

  “If it wasn’t for the fact that I know you very well, I’d go back to school. But something is going to happen.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. Anyway, why don’t you do something with your Mom?”

  She shrugged. “Maybe. More than likely, I’ll just get this house in order.”

  “You could get the carpet replaced.” It was an idea. And something that was easy. She could go pick it out and pay to have it installed.

  She laughed. “I could.”

  “That settles it then.” Suddenly, I got this feeling I couldn’t shake. Before I knew it, my mouth was moving faster than my brain. “When I get done with all this shit, will you marry me?”

  Tabby looked at me for a minute like I’d grown another head. Hell, I was shocked myself.

  “You’re serious?” she asked.

  “As a heart attack.” And I was. No other person on this Earth was going to be willing to put up with my weird bullshit.

  “Okay,” she said.

  I almost swooned. Seriously.

  #

  Later that night, I sat up in bed, looking at the packet again. I figured I might as well memorize the damn thing. At least, then I’d know what rules I’d be breaking. I knew me too well. If I behaved like I normally did, I’d break every one of them. Most of the time without meaning to. I did have a tendency to bumble through life that way. Hell, if I was honest, I’d been bumbling through the exorcisms I had performed too.

  “You know you’ve looked at that same page for ten minutes,” Tabby said as she rubbed lotion on her elbows.

  I shrugged. “I don’t want to do this.”

  It was true. I had no real desire to set foot in the ruling paths of the church again. Going to Mass once in a while was fine. Dealing with bureaucracy was not. Hopefully, I could avoid most of it as much as possible.

  She started laughing. “All you’ve been doing since you started this was bitch because you didn’t know what you were doing. And now that they are actually going to train you, the only thing you can do is complain about that too? You amaze me.”

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  .She had a point. Every exorcism I’d had to do, I’d performed with instinct, mistakes, and a lot of luck. I was a novice at best. It was time I manned up. I was getting what I had asked for. I needed to remember that, in the future, it would be best if I were careful in what I wished for.

  “What, you aren’t going to say anything?” she asked.

  “Nope.” Why would I? She’d nailed the whole thing.

  “Why not?”

  I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Because you’re right.”

  She sat back, eyes wide. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  I laughed. “Yes.”

  “Did you ever get back in touch with that other priest who wanted to meet up with you?”

  “Yeah, told him the meet-up would have to wait. Too busy.”

  She nodded

  “Now, why don’t we try to get some sleep?”

  She glared at me sideways. “If you say so.”

  #

  The next morning, I made myself get up at a decent hour. There was so much to do. I had to find out who was handling my reservation for the school. Honestly, I hoped they were going to do it because I didn’t know a damn thing in Italian. If I had to make my own reservations, I’d probably end up in the slums or something.

  It was 6:30 a.m. and Tabby was snoring softly next to me. Her long red hair was scattered all over her face in a tangled mess. Part of me wanted to move it, but I was afraid I would wake her up. Still, I couldn’t imagine being comfortable with hair all over my face, but maybe that was me.

 

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